November 07, 2003

Inside The Oval Office

The following conversation is transcribed from a tape that was recently discovered in a garbage bin outside the White House. Two male voices can be heard in heated discussion. The identities of the speakers have not been confirmed.

VOICE #1: Whatever happened to the Air Force One scenario, George?
VOICE #2: The what?
VOICE #1: You remember! The terrorists on the plane. The big speech to the UN. The standing ovation...
VOICE #2: Was that me?
VOICE #1: No, sir... Harrison Ford.
VOICE #2: Oh yeah. That was cool. You guys wanted me to be like that, right?
VOICE #1: Right! Now, we've gotta get the nation re-focussed on that message. The situation in Iraq is -
VOICE #2: Can I get some terrorists on MY plane? Maybe I could dress up in the jumpsuit again and whack them with my light sabre. We could get FOX News on the plane with a camera, maybe even get Mariah Carey on board so I can save her butt and she'll be all, like "Oh, Ge-e-e-eorgey Boy!!"
VOICE #1: I'll get Colin to look into it, sir.
VOICE #2: No, not Powell! He's such a wimp. He never wants to fight anybody. Call Rummy instead. That guys a f$%*ing pit-bull, Karl.
VOICE #1: Whatever. Can we get back to Air Force One?
VOICE #2: What, now? But I just finished my big tour of Asia. I was hoping for some more time on the ranch. I'm whittling a stick.
VOICE #1: Not the plane, sir. The message. From the movie. You remember: "From now on, the United States will not tolerate terrorism.."
VOICE #2: Damn right we won't!
VOICE #1: That's the spirit! Now, what we need is another big speech like that. But this time we're talking Big Picture. This time we are talking about a global revolution -
VOICE #2: Communists!
VOICE #1: Not that kind of revolution, George. This is OUR revolution.
VOICE #2: Right. Rampant capitalism. Globalization for the shareholders of the Western world. Oil for me and my buddies.
VOICE #1: No! No! No!
VOICE #2: No?
VOICE #1: Well, I mean, yes, but not in the speech. Save that talk for the golf course. Listen, the -
VOICE #2: Is it nap time yet?
VOICE #1: No! Now listen! We're trying to bring the whole nation with us on this. In the trenches of World War I, through a two-front war in the 1940s, the difficult battles of Korea and Vietnam, and in missions of rescue and liberation on nearly every continent, Americans have amply displayed our willingness to sacrifice for liberty. . . .
VOICE #2: I'm really sleepy, Karl.
VOICE #1: In many nations in the Middle East, countries of great strategic importance, democracy has not yet taken root. And the questions arise: Are the peoples of the Middle East somehow beyond the reach of liberty? Are millions of men and women and children condemned by history or culture to live in despotism? Are they alone never to know freedom and never even have a choice in the matter?
VOICE #2: Zzzzzz.
VOICE #1: George!
VOICE #2: I'm sorry, Karl. Can't you just put it all in a nutshell for me?
VOICE #1: OK. Remember that "Project for the New American Century" thing that Wolfie and his friends showed you before the last election?
VOICE #2: Yup.
VOICE #1: Well, we're going with that. You're allowed to talk about it now.
VOICE #2: Cool. Why didn't you just say so in the first place?
VOICE #1: I thought you might want to know how we're going to try and sell it to the American people.
VOICE #2: Nah, just show me the cue cards.

Suddenly the tape is interrupted by loud static. Then a strange third voice is heard.

VOICE #3: I hope ever to see America among the foremost nations of justice and liberality.... Curse you both, you lying frauds!


VOICE #2: What was that?
VOICE #1: I don't know, but it sounded like the words of George Washington.
VOICE #2: Man, we've gotta do something about the security in this office.


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