The First Transmission

I have just been elected President of the World.

(That's not completely true, of course, but - hey, look over there!)

As President, I have decided to end world hunger and poverty by redistributing wealth from richer countries to poorer ones. Any wealthy citizens who are not happy with this decision will have the option of moving to Texas.

I will provide universal free education and health care for all citizens on the planet, and all citizens of the world will be guaranteed equal rights under the law.

As of now, all international boundaries are disolved and all legal systems for these former nations are no longer valid. (That in itself is not entirely legal, of course, but - hey, is that a spider on your arm?!)

I will immediately put a stop to all wars by imprisoning those I deem responsible for them, and then destroying all weapons on the planet, including conventional, nuclear, biological and space-based systems.

Any persons found breaking my laws will be sent to Texas, which will be renamed "Guantanamo Bay: The Sequel" and converted to a penal settlement. A hundred-metre high concrete wall will be built around the entire state, with no entry or exit gates. Criminals will be dropped in by helicopter and left to fend for themselves. The wall will be surrounded by an electrified field, with devices emitting an ear-splitting noise to anyone who comes within 1,000 metres of it. At closer range (less than 100 metres) this frequency will cause total debilitation and permanent physical impairment.

Those most responsible for the current Iraq War - Bush, Blair, Howard, Rove, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld, Perle, Rice, Cheney, Murdoch and many, many others - will be offered an opportunity for public redemption. To avoid transportation to Texas (in orange jumpsuits) these criminals will be required to publicly atone for their misdeeds by:

(a) Disclosing all details of their lies,
(b) Confessing their misdeeds on public television,
(c) Giving all their money, property and other valuable items to the poor,
(d) Crawling around on their knees for the rest of their lives, with a sign on their butts that says "Kick Me - Hard", and
(e) becoming the full-time personal servants of Iraqis who have been disabled by US state-sponsored violence.

The same offer will apply to anyone found guilty of violent acts of terrorism.

That is all for now. Please return to your normal lives...