Bush Gets Drunk, Goes On TV Chat Show

Amazing stuff. Here’s the transcript:

DL: Ladies and Gentlemen, here he is. A man who most certainly needs no introduction. The forty third President of the Unites States of America (cheers) George W. Bush.

GWB: It’s a pleasure to be here, Dave.

DL: OK, President Bush, you’ve promised us some good old-fashioned straight talk tonight. So tell us. Why did you invade Iraq? What was the real reason? (cheers) I mean, we’ve heard that it was for WMDs, we’ve heard that it was to punish Saddam for his links to terrorism, we’ve heard that it was to spread Democracy and freedom across the Middle East, so please tell us all now - what was the real reason?

GWB: Oil.

DL: Oil? Really?

GWB: Well, duh! (muted laughter) What did you think? When we talk about America’s “strategic interests” and “national security”, what do you think we are really talking about? People’s lives? Get real! We’re talking about the economy. A strong economy means a strong America, and a strong America means a safe America (muted cheers). So when we talk about “WMDs” and “Terrorism” and even “Freedom” we are really talking about stocks and shares and Ten Year Treasury Bonds. Most people don’t even look at the business pages in the newspaper, they switch channels when the Finance reports come on screen. Talk about “you can’t handle the truth!” So we sex it up a bit by calling it other names. WMDs, Terrorism, whatever. That’s just spin. And like I always say, part of a President’s job is to catapult the spin.

DL: But what’s that got to do with oil?

GWB: The system is called Capitalism, Dave. And the way it works is that the one with the most Capital is the winner. And Capital is a funny thing. See, most people never actually get to see much money in their whole lives. But the folks I work with every day sure do. And when you have a lot of money, I mean billions and billions of dollars, you start to realise that the money itself, the actual paper or the gold bullion bars or whatever, is not really the thing of value. It’s what it represents, it’s what other people imagine it to be. It’s the potentiality, not the actuality. That’s where your wealth lies.

DL: Those are big words for you, Mr Bush.

GWB: Well, thank you Dave. I’ve made a living out of acting dumb, as you know. (laughter)

DL: And you’re a very good actor too, Mister President. (laughter) But seriously. I still don’t understand, what’s all this got to do with oil, the real reason we invaded Iraq?

GWB: Well, as I have said in public more than once, the USA is addicted to oil. Our economic strength – and this is the reason we shattered the dark visions of those Godless Communists, remember – our economic strength is totally dependent on oil. Take away the oil and what have you got? Factories sitting idle, cars stranded on motorways, planes rusting on runways. Suddenly none of it is worth anything. Even our military strength is dependent on the oil that drives the tanks and planes, and the factories that churn them out. It’s the oil that gives that other stuff value. Similarly, the oil isn’t worth anything when it’s just lying in the ground. You’ve gotta pour it into your tank, or light a candle with it, before it actually becomes valuable.

DL: OK.

GWB: So here we had a situation that some people call the Peak Oil Phenomenon. And that’s the reason why Dick and I were appointed to the White House.

DL: You mean elected.

GWB: Whatever. It was our job to ensure that America had the oil resources to not just survive the Peak Oil crisis, but to come out on top. To stay Number One. And so we didn’t really have a choice. We had to get the oil from somewhere, and Iraq was just the most obvious choice. Like Dick said, it was a no-brainer.

DL: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States! (muted cheers) More after the break. (pause)

DL: OK, folks, we’re back in the studio talking to the forty third President of the United States.

GWB: Howdy.

DL: President Bush, you’ve just admitted for the first time ever, on national TV, that oil was the real reason we went to war.

GWB: Yup.

DL: So now I have to ask you, what about the hundreds of thousand of Iraqis who died? How about those brave young American soldiers? How can you justify those deaths in the name of – what? – economic expansionism?

GWB: Well, Dave. That’s where God gives me strength. Who knows why He decided to take those lives?

DL: But surely, Mister President, it was your decisions that –

GWB: Well, hold on a sec, Mister. Be careful what you say now. We went into Iraq fully expecting it to be a cakewalk, remember? When I declared Mission accomplished on the deck of the USS Lincoln my poll ratings were still over sixty percent. Only a handful of people had died back then.

DL: You weren’t doing body counts.

GWB: Exactly. We didn’t need to. Things were looking good. Who knows why the Lord chose to plunge that country back into chaos and violence? I tend to think that it’s a combination of things. On the one hand, we have the dark, evil visions of the Evil-doers, the Terrorists, who bring such calamity down upon their own heads. On the other hand, I believe, the Lord is testing our resilience and our faith.

DL: But Mister President, didn’t you say earlier that “Terrorism” was just like a key word, a piece of spin? So when you say “Terrorists” here –

GWB: Well, sure, you can look at it that way too. It’s the people who are resisting the USA and our takeover of Iraq’s oil – call them Terrorists or Insurgents or whatever you want – who are causing all this death and destruction.

DL: But what about the US troops? You’ve just said that we invaded Iraq for the oil, so surely as the aggressors, our own troops are at least partly, if not wholly responsible for –

GWB: Do you love your country, Dave?

DL: I beg your pardon?

GWB: Do you love your country, the United State of America? Because I surely do (muted cheers). And let me tell you something, Dave. God has blessed this country like none other. America has a destiny to lead the world towards freedom, prosperity and equality.

DL: So what you’re saying is that the USA has a God-given right to invade Iraq and steal their oil.

GWB: Well, you can put it like that if you want to Dave, but just think about the alternatives for a moment. What if we hadn’t invaded Iraq? Are you going to just sit and watch this great nation descend into economic chaos? It’s tragic to see what’s happening on the streets of Baghdad these days, but that could just as easily be Washington or New York or LA if people like you have their way.

DL: People like me?

GWB: Yeah, Dave. You heard me.

DL: Well, what are you saying, Mister President?

GWB: You think I would come on a show like this without doing a little background? We’ve got all your phone call transcripts and your emails and your banking details. We’ve got video of you screwing your neighbour’s cat, for fuck’s sake. Guards! Arrest this man! Guards!!!

(Plain clothes police come on stage, grab Bush and drag him off stage, still shouting)

DL: Ladies and gentlemen, er... George W. Bush! (cheers) We’ll be back with more soon.